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I was driving into town earlier, seeking some relief for Sweet Daddio’s ear infection. I tried to find a doctor for him, because he is in no small amount of pain, but no one would see him. He would be a New Patient, and they don’t take New Patients on the weekend. I begged and whined “but we’ve lived here less than a month and don’t have a doctor yet and he’s in alot of pain and needs relief”…”I’m sorry, we don’t take new patients on the weekend. You’ll have to take him to the emergency room if it’s that bad.” Well, according to SD, it’s not that bad. Even tho he has taken to dabbing his eardrum with a q-tip soaked in anbesol, and his eyes have that Look they get when he’s hurting. He says he’s ready to just lance his eardrum with a needle and be done with it. He would do it, too. This is the same guy who used to cut out his ingrown toenails.
As I was driving home from the pharmacy, I was overcome with the feeling that I was a fraud. I didn’t belong here, I didn’t deserve all the good that I’ve got, that this house is Too Much, the cars are Too Much, it’s all Too Much. It’s a very disheartening feeling, and it doen’t come over me all that often, but often enough that I have to wonder if it’s true. Until recently, I had resources I could rely on if the feeling hit me. I could drive an hour to my friend Ruth’s. Now she’s 6 hours away. I could go to the church and sort old clothes or canned food. I could relax in the familiar. Now the only thing familiar is 5 people and some furniture. It’s scary. I want to be doing the right thing, but I can’t tell if I am. There’s no one to get feedback from.
Oh, it will get better. SD will get his ear looked into Monday, if he can make it that long. We’ll find a church and I’ll have a supply closet to organize and a Bible Study to attend. It’s just…right now, August 13 at 6:30 pm, I am feeling overwhelmed and terribly insecure. Like everything I do is some form of fakery, and someone is going to jump out at me and shout “Fraud! Heathen!” I feel like I am pretending at being wife/mother, wearing a costume and a mask to hide the Real Rootietoot, someone plain and invisible.
This is what a mood swing is. Yesterday I was happy. I’d had my hair done and a makeup lesson and spent ridiculous $$ on cosmetics and i felt pampered and pleased with myself. I made nachos for SD, at his request, and have made huge effort to not ask him to do anything. Then today, like sliding down a playground slide, the mental enviroment changed from sunny with a light breeze, to storm clouds on the horizon and an ominous still in the air. No reason for it, nothing to set me off like missing out on sleep or suffering a hangover, just the flip of the mental switch while driving up Main Street and I start to panic, hyperventilate, and fret uncontrollably.
Ridiculous. I resent being at the mercy of something stupid like a teaspoon of chemicals washing my brain.
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So I whined, and everyone on the planet either jumps down my throat or gets their feelings hurt! Well, maybe not Everyone, but at least 4 people…
It feels good to whine, and I was in a particularly tooky mood.
Sweet Daddio got me signed up on Netflix, and I have discovered the joys of indie films. Lately rented: Tattoo, A Love Story. Excellent Movie! Even for people in Olathe Kansas who aren’t fans of tattoos, its a story of a tightly wound woman who falls for a big beefy (like, 300 pound) biker tattoo artist dude with hidden depths. I watched it 3 times in 2 days, and realized once again my deep fondness for big beefy guys with hidden depths. Great movie, watch it. The secondary cast of the biker guy’s buddies is highly entertaining.
Also rented: Danny Deckchair- an Australian movie (with all that origin entails) about a guy who ties a bunch of balloons to his folding chair and floats off to the outback. He lands inthe middle of some little village and their Macadamia Nut Festival. It’s also a romance with a happy ending- the best kind of movie, in my opinion. It is full of that rather Different Australian humor.
I Hereby Resolve to Try to Write My Blog Entries As If I Am Not Trying To Pander To An Audience.